Buddy of mine calls me to tell me he just rolled his jeep through a telephone pole. I said pics or it didn't happen. He sent me this.
πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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She said "I haven't been carried like this since my wedding night"
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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My 84-year-old grandmother apologized for having to wear her nightgown in front of us. I said it was no problem and that it actually looked very comfortable, so she immediately offered one to me. It's not like I could have rejected this generous gift...
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2015
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My boss said if I get FP with this he will buy me this chair
πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ‘€︎ @warnabro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
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My veteran grandpa was asked by a little girl if he would do it all again. He said, "Yes, for you."
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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I said a clip, clop, a clippy to the clippy, the clip clip clop...
πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ‘€︎ @adion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2015
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This young man was jogging, he said he's working towards making the high school football team in my city. His family couldn't afford to send him to camp or get him proper equipment. Never give up on your dreams.
πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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Professor said everyone gets an A on the exam if he makes this shot.Β 
πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
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Apply to be a crop duster they said, it would be fun they said.
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ‘€︎ @NateLB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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Army Specialist was denied leave to go to a baby shower because his CO said "Men don't go to baby showers", so he changed his reason
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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My wife and I when our son said he could kill me in Mario Kart because "I'm old as shit"
πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ‘€︎ @thedudemanabides
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
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Friend posted this, well said.
πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ‘€︎ @MullettWife
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
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I asked them why their Bloody Mary was 14 bucks... They said order it and find out.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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Whoever said the phrase "cat like reflexes" have clearly never heard about the antelope!
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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Things that have never, ever been said
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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Professor said everyone gets an A on the exam if he makes this shot...
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ‘€︎ @mwasbabu16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
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When my daughter said, "It's weird that there are two kinds of chicken: the chicken that's an animal, and the chicken we eat."
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ @editingandlayout
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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When I told my landlord my shower head was leaking, he said he was going to hook me up. This is what I came home to.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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When I was 14, doctors told my parents I was a compulsive liar, and said I would continue to make up ridiculous stories to get attention. Yesterday I proved them all wrong by giving birth to this beautiful kitten.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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'My wife wanted to take a picture of me with a yellowtail. She said β€œSmile!” and pressed the button. When she looked up, I was gone.'
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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When my two year old says "hi hi!" and I ask him why he said "hi" twice, he replies, "well we say bye bye don't we?"
πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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On the bright side he said "you don't have to tip me any money, you've given me enough already"
πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ‘€︎ @PizzaClap
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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'nuff said
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @viz00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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Today I got stranded at a train station after I lost my train pass. I texted my friend asking to come get me but it got sent to my ex's father by accident. He came and got me, took me to coffee and said he misses me and that his son is an ass.
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ @violamaster94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
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Superhero party they said and my friend turned up like this
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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They said I should try something different with my hair - So I did.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @morihime
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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He said "That is the weirdest shirt"
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2015
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A little bitchy? Maybe. Satisfying? Oh hell yes!
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ @TimmyCatTeabagger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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MRW, I (a white guy) married my wife (a black woman), and my new brother-in-law said, "Hey man, you're black now!"
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @thephoenixrisen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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Someone said this would look great as a gif, so I took a crack at it
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @PROWNE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Automatic promotion
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ @Bearclaw48
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2016
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I woke up my boyfriend this morning telling him that we're getting a blizzard tonight. He said, half-asleep, β€œfrom Dairy Queen?” Yes.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @terowan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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My friend cut into his cake and said, "Oh my god, this cake is a meme."
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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Dad asked what I'm into these days. I said Walking Dead and Archer. Today's my birthday, and Dad outdid himself.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
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Boss said i can go home, but i need to peel these 100 apples first
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @zipperke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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"maybe this one is interesting" said the eyes.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @aswarmofbeans
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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They Said, "Get a Puppy." Β "It Will Be FUN," They Said...
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @LindaDee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
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Step-daughter with negligent bio-dad called me daddy today. I said, nope, I'm 'mitchy'. Shook her head & said "No. You're daddy"
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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Ok I'll get off the car ... *toot* ... I said ok!
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ‘€︎ @drbatookhan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2015
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The vet said Eric had to eat more Broccoli
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @undercovergiraffe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2016
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My girlfriend immediately said no.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
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Yea, I'm a dork,
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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My daughter said she was scared of the monster she drew. I asked, "Well, why did you draw it then?" She said, "Because he asked me to."
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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MRW The dentist said I had to get braces to fix my underbite...
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @lteran90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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And they said college would be harder than high school...
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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MRW A Sushi Place Said They Only Hired Asians
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @GrandLobsterKing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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She said she loved pillows..
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @TheDrunkenWrench
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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I met Jack Black tonight. He looked into my eyes and said "it's like looking in a young mirror".
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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MRW My cousin said that God put dinosaur bones to test true believers.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ @Ayham111
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2015
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My boss said I would be okay to drive in this morning. I sent him this picture.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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My friend said I couldn't hit the front page with the broadside of a barn.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @hithisisdustin37
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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Wife wasn't sure if a double bed would fit in the spare room. I said "don't worry, there will be loads of room"
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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It was they last time they would say it, and they said it well
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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The kids said they wanted to be jawas, we said SUREEEE
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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He said the hardest job he had in his military career was not laughing during this shift. RIP to you both.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ‘€︎ @YPanteri
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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I told my grandad that everyone's on the internet. He said "In that case, take my picture and tell Charlie Jacobs I said fuck you."
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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I rescued Stanley and his hippo today. The shelter said they were a package deal
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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Felt like such a melon
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @NotRightNeverWrong
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
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Wife wanted a kitten but I said no, so we compromised and got a kitten.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
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THERE I said it...
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @lteran90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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Best friend just called. Said his gf is sick and can't make it to a wedding reception and if I would be his +1.
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @halfbloodking
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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When the smart guy in my class said "shit" when he looked at our test.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @Ralama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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I told my dad to chill and he said "I am chill!" then I saidb"I thought you were dad!" I DAD JOKED MY DAD. I AM THE REVOLUTION
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @OliviaWilde123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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At our wedding an usher had a rude girlfriend who wanted to be in the middle of pictures (dressed in white!) I got upset but my photographer said "I'll fix it later don't worry!"
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ @carlinh
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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I showed my dad an Advice Animal, and he said he knew the guy from high school. [FIXED]
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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My ex-girlfriend said my artwork had little potential and I have no future in the art world...SOLD my first painting today!
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @DreamMkRz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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My Sister may kill me if her Son actually becomes a meme
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @Barbecue64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2015
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And God said let there be light.. and it BURNED
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ @NextOnSickSadWorld
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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Started singing "Let it be" by the beatles in biology. Girl next to me said, "That's not how it goes." " It's let it go"......
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @Smoars
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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MRW after sex, my boyfriend high fived me in the taco and said "good game,"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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My dad sent me this pic and said, "Thought you should know I'm in a gang now."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ @sloanesteel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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I feel this needs to be said
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @Error94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
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Came across this while I was reading extracts from a book for school which consisted of true things that were said in court...
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ @crazyasianac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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I proposed to my boyfriend yesterday on the bridge of the Enterprise, he said yes and I couldn't be happier.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ @capricajo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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My ex said I don't lose my "lurker" status until I post something...
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2015
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Come with us, they said. It won't be like a group date, they said.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ‘€︎ @Kaypea
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
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But you turned 22 today sweetheart. Happy Birthday
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2015
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2.5 years since I said goodbye to Anorexia. Unconventional Before and After.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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When my wife got the flu and said I have to wait until she's not sick to see Jurassic World
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ‘€︎ @editingandlayout
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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My boyfriend said I'd never make it to the FP unless I showed my nips...
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @theonlynessiah
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
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MRW I want to practice the tuba but my mom comes to my room and said no.
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @ImDoingStuffLori
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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It's not what you said, it's how you said it...
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ @Ophiukus
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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