Buddy of mine calls me to tell me he just rolled his jeep through a telephone pole. I said pics or it didn't happen. He sent me this.
She said "I haven't been carried like this since my wedding night"
My 84-year-old grandmother apologized for having to wear her nightgown in front of us. I said it was no problem and that it actually looked very comfortable, so she immediately offered one to me. It's not like I could have rejected this generous gift...
My boss said if I get FP with this he will buy me this chair
My veteran grandpa was asked by a little girl if he would do it all again. He said, "Yes, for you."
I said a clip, clop, a clippy to the clippy, the clip clip clop...
This young man was jogging, he said he's working towards making the high school football team in my city. His family couldn't afford to send him to camp or get him proper equipment. Never give up on your dreams.
Professor said everyone gets an A on the exam if he makes this shot.
Apply to be a crop duster they said, it would be fun they said.
Army Specialist was denied leave to go to a baby shower because his CO said "Men don't go to baby showers", so he changed his reason
My wife and I when our son said he could kill me in Mario Kart because "I'm old as shit"
Friend posted this, well said.
I asked them why their Bloody Mary was 14 bucks... They said order it and find out.
Whoever said the phrase "cat like reflexes" have clearly never heard about the antelope!
Things that have never, ever been said
Professor said everyone gets an A on the exam if he makes this shot...
When my daughter said, "It's weird that there are two kinds of chicken: the chicken that's an animal, and the chicken we eat."
When I told my landlord my shower head was leaking, he said he was going to hook me up. This is what I came home to.
When I was 14, doctors told my parents I was a compulsive liar, and said I would continue to make up ridiculous stories to get attention. Yesterday I proved them all wrong by giving birth to this beautiful kitten.
'My wife wanted to take a picture of me with a yellowtail. She said “Smile!” and pressed the button. When she looked up, I was gone.'
When my two year old says "hi hi!" and I ask him why he said "hi" twice, he replies, "well we say bye bye don't we?"
On the bright side he said "you don't have to tip me any money, you've given me enough already"
Today I got stranded at a train station after I lost my train pass. I texted my friend asking to come get me but it got sent to my ex's father by accident. He came and got me, took me to coffee and said he misses me and that his son is an ass.
Superhero party they said and my friend turned up like this
They said I should try something different with my hair - So I did.
He said "That is the weirdest shirt"
A little bitchy? Maybe. Satisfying? Oh hell yes!
MRW, I (a white guy) married my wife (a black woman), and my new brother-in-law said, "Hey man, you're black now!"
Someone said this would look great as a gif, so I took a crack at it
I woke up my boyfriend this morning telling him that we're getting a blizzard tonight. He said, half-asleep, “from Dairy Queen?” Yes.
My friend cut into his cake and said, "Oh my god, this cake is a meme."
Dad asked what I'm into these days. I said Walking Dead and Archer. Today's my birthday, and Dad outdid himself.
Boss said i can go home, but i need to peel these 100 apples first
"maybe this one is interesting" said the eyes.
They Said, "Get a Puppy." "It Will Be FUN," They Said...
Step-daughter with negligent bio-dad called me daddy today. I said, nope, I'm 'mitchy'. Shook her head & said "No. You're daddy"
Ok I'll get off the car ... *toot* ... I said ok!
The vet said Eric had to eat more Broccoli
My girlfriend immediately said no.
My daughter said she was scared of the monster she drew. I asked, "Well, why did you draw it then?" She said, "Because he asked me to."
MRW The dentist said I had to get braces to fix my underbite...
And they said college would be harder than high school...
MRW A Sushi Place Said They Only Hired Asians
She said she loved pillows..
I met Jack Black tonight. He looked into my eyes and said "it's like looking in a young mirror".
MRW My cousin said that God put dinosaur bones to test true believers.
My boss said I would be okay to drive in this morning. I sent him this picture.
My friend said I couldn't hit the front page with the broadside of a barn.
Wife wasn't sure if a double bed would fit in the spare room. I said "don't worry, there will be loads of room"
It was they last time they would say it, and they said it well
The kids said they wanted to be jawas, we said SUREEEE
He said the hardest job he had in his military career was not laughing during this shift. RIP to you both.
I told my grandad that everyone's on the internet. He said "In that case, take my picture and tell Charlie Jacobs I said fuck you."
I rescued Stanley and his hippo today. The shelter said they were a package deal
Wife wanted a kitten but I said no, so we compromised and got a kitten.
Best friend just called. Said his gf is sick and can't make it to a wedding reception and if I would be his +1.
When the smart guy in my class said "shit" when he looked at our test.
I told my dad to chill and he said "I am chill!" then I saidb"I thought you were dad!" I DAD JOKED MY DAD. I AM THE REVOLUTION
At our wedding an usher had a rude girlfriend who wanted to be in the middle of pictures (dressed in white!) I got upset but my photographer said "I'll fix it later don't worry!"
I showed my dad an Advice Animal, and he said he knew the guy from high school. [FIXED]
My ex-girlfriend said my artwork had little potential and I have no future in the art world...SOLD my first painting today!
My Sister may kill me if her Son actually becomes a meme
And God said let there be light.. and it BURNED
Started singing "Let it be" by the beatles in biology. Girl next to me said, "That's not how it goes." " It's let it go"......
MRW after sex, my boyfriend high fived me in the taco and said "good game,"
My dad sent me this pic and said, "Thought you should know I'm in a gang now."
I feel this needs to be said
Came across this while I was reading extracts from a book for school which consisted of true things that were said in court...
I proposed to my boyfriend yesterday on the bridge of the Enterprise, he said yes and I couldn't be happier.
My ex said I don't lose my "lurker" status until I post something...
Come with us, they said. It won't be like a group date, they said.
But you turned 22 today sweetheart. Happy Birthday
2.5 years since I said goodbye to Anorexia. Unconventional Before and After.
When my wife got the flu and said I have to wait until she's not sick to see Jurassic World
My boyfriend said I'd never make it to the FP unless I showed my nips...
MRW I want to practice the tuba but my mom comes to my room and said no.
It's not what you said, it's how you said it...